How to transform a smash burger into a transformative experience
by House of Goff
“My baseline expectation of a burger is that it becomes something far more desirable than the sum of its ingredients, something that elevates our expectations past mere bread with ingredients in close proximity.” House of Goff with a harsh-but-fair analysis of an area in which civilisation is letting itself down… badly!
Like anything, a smash burger can be a triumph or a train wreck. I can’t remember having too many burgers that fell between these two polar extremes. As with most of the FoB meat dishes we help people create, there are some basic rules I’d recommend you stick to in order to avoid the train wreck and instead, enjoy cooking and adore eating a smash burger that will take your breath away.
I like to keep things fairly simple and straightforward when sharing burger tips and because we’re all fiercely competitive but extremely respectful of each other’s skills, I’ll subtly suggest that 6 tips should be enough to keep you on the straight and delicious. (Ed. Obviously a veiled dig at Train’s 10 tips on porterhouse prep guide.)
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Buy the fattiest mince you can find. Remember, fat equals flavour. That said, maybe curb your burger enthusiasm and consumption once you’ve had two (not a doctor but still…)
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When forming the patties into spheres, try to touch the meat as little as possible. You’re creating a masterpiece here and too much poking and prodding will rob the patty of flavour and character.
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Mix NOTHING into the mince, add seasoning (coarse salt alone is sufficient) ONLY AFTER smashing. If you feel you can’t resist adding things to the mince, then you should call a halt to proceedings, reset and fix your sights on making meatballs instead. This step demands unwavering discipline, an iron will and a gentle touch. Weird? Yes. Feel a bit awkward now? I get it. But focus on burger nirvana – it will be worth it!
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Cook only on the hottest parts of your grill to achieve a delicious brown crust, flip and apply cheese once the edges have turned light brown.
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Once said brown crust has formed on the second side, remove, stack multiple patties together, and serve on a potato bun with pickles. To paraphrase a great, great man, “I worry that you heard, serve on a bun. I said, serve on a potato bun… with pickles. Gorgeous."
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Smirk knowingly. Soon you’ll be basking in the glow of your fellow feasters’ adulation and you will thoroughly deserve it. Feast on!
House of Goff is also known for his mastery in the chicken wing department as well as a reckless but enduring love for fiendishly fiery hot sauces and will no doubt be rating his faves in coming editions.